Short and sweet

Now that I'm starting to have my little groups of friends that I hang out with, I'm learning about the exciting world of Chinese nicknames. For some reason, the Chinese are reluctant to call people by their real names. Teachers are just called "teacher". Family friends are "auntie". Older classmates are "older brother" or "older sister".

These are just titles, I know. But friends will also create nicknames for one another, that they will use exclusively instead of their real names. I have several friends whose nicknames perfectly exemplify this phenomenon. They are: Spider, Big Ocean, Big Mountain, Donkey, Old Chicken, and Cow-cow. They get all into it too. "Donkey", for example, has a adorable stuffed donkey on a keychain on his backpack. (Yes. His.) His friends will also give him a friendly nudge if they see donkey meat for sale anywhere (not as uncommon as you might think).

I myself have been honored with a nickname of my own. Two actually. One is "Little Pony". The other is "Happy-happy". Because I don't want to be informed whenever horse flesh is for sale, I think I'll be encouraging use of the latter.

Dead End

This weekend was my first trip with the cycling club. The plan was simple: bike out to a rustic and beautiful suburb of Jinan, park our bikes and spend a leisurely afternoon in a scenic park, have a picnic lunch, then head home. Sounded good to me. Ha. Here's what really happened:

The leisurely bike ride to the country was anything but. Jinan is a HUGE city - 9 million people - and you know how people are always talking about how crowded and polluted China is? Yeah, well, they're not kidding. The roads were often six or eight lanes across, and clogged with cars, which, by the way, obey no traffic laws and yield to no one. Many of the cars exhaled dark clouds of what looked like a gaseous form of dirt. Add to this the yellow dust that covered everything, and would occasionally blow in large gusts across the road, and you have some idea of what I was biking in.

We biked for about an hour in these conditions in the city, and then transitioned onto country roads, which just meant more dust and less exhaust. By the time we made it to our destination, I was splattered with mud, my butt hurt from sitting on the hard seat for so long, and I was thirsty for the sight of anything green.

Imagine the sheer joy I must have felt, then, upon being informed that - surprise! - the "park" is actually a military training zone, and only Chinese nationals are permitted to enter. That's right: No Foreigners Allowed. Revenge for the opium years? A underlying belief in racial supremacy? Paranoia that I would somehow actually discover and abscond with state secrets? Whatever the reason, I began to consider my options. "Shall I sit here alone in the dusty street with just the chickens and mangy dogs for company? Should I test my navigational skills by biking back to campus on my own? Should I select some lucky member of the biking club to come with me?" I was just beginning to regret not having brought my book along, when I was informed that in fact, a few seasoned members of the club would accompany me to another scenic destination of my choice. Since I had no idea where I was, I decided to do the gracious thing and let the others decide where we should go. And then we were back on our bikes, back on the dusty roads, and headed off to who-knows-where.

At first, it was somewhat awkward, because they all knew each other pretty well, and I was like the annoying freshman tagging along and trying desperately to fit in and be cool. But the thing about biking lonely, dusty country roads is that you have nothing to do but talk to each other. So the awkwardness wore off quickly. And the thing about hanging out with seniors instead of freshmen is that they actually know what they're doing. I don't know how, but we somehow ended up on top of a beautiful mountain overlooking Jinan. And we were so comfortable there, perched on a rock with our various snacks and goodies, that we ended up hanging out there for several hours. By the time we descended the mountain, we were all chummy, and hungry again (typical), so we biked back into Jinan for a ridiculously early dinner.

I'll quickly sum up the rest of the evening, because it went by pretty fast: biking through narrow Jinan alleyways trying to find a restaurant, emerging quite suddenly upon a natural swimming hole filled with elderly Chinese men in Speedos, more narrow alleyways, dinner seated on mini stools no more than one foot off the ground, joking, laughing, getting lost on the way back to campus, a quick shower, and, to cap things off, paying 25 cents to see Angelina Jolie dubbed in Chinese.

A perfect day? Indeed.

Be very afraid

Today I learned how to flip a person to the ground with a gentle twist of my wrist. The person who taught me this was my kung fu instructor, a skinny 22 year old Chinese student about 5'2" and 120 lbs. It would never in a million years have occurred to me that I ought to fear this kid, until he started darting around punching people. He first demonstrated his neat little trick on an unsuspecting male student in my kung fu class. "Hey you," he said. "Grab my wrist." In two seconds, the poor guy was on the floor whimpering in pain.

After helping him up, our instructor proceeded to demonstrate again, this time in slow motion so we could see how it's done. In fact, he demonstrated several times on the same student, who I would imagine will wake up tomorrow with a variety of bruises all over his body. Then he let us practice on each other. I think I only succeeded in giving my partner a mild Indian burn, but don't worry - I'm learning fast and will be happy to demonstrate my new talent when I return home.

Culture shock

These past two weeks have been a crash course in Chinese culture. Let me share a few new habits that I've taken up since moving here:

1. Long lunches
The Chinese take lunch at 11:30, at which time many of them leave the office to go home and take a rest. The office is pretty much dead until 1:30 or 2, when people start to trickle back. I have wholeheartedly embraced this tradition, and spend an hour or so lazing around my room after eating.

2. Squatting
I've already mentioned how Chinese bathrooms don't provide toilet paper, soap, or paper towels. They also don't provide a seat. The toilet is simply a porcelain hole in the ground, with handy-dandy treads for your feet to prevent slippage. And also? The toilet paper goes into a little trash can in the stall instead of getting flushed.



3. Lying
The Chinese are very polite, and don't like to tell you how they're really feeling. I'm working hard to learn this fine art, but it's difficult. I made up a little quiz based on my own experiences to see how you would fare interacting with Chinese friends.

It's Monday night. You just spent a nice hour hanging out with some friends in a coffee shop, but you still need to shower and do laundry before bed, and it's getting late. You're getting tired. As if on cue, your friend asks you if you're tired. Do you reply:
a) "Yeah, a little bit. Let's call it a night - this was really fun!"
b) "No no! Not at all!"
c) "I'm exhausted. Do you mind if I head out early?"

It's Saturday afternoon. You and your friends just spent all day walking around, and now you're all on a crowded bus heading home. There are no seats left, and you have to stand. Your feet are killing you, and you would do anything to sit down. At the next stop, a seat opens up right in front of you. Do you:
a) Sit down immediately and heave a sigh of relief.
b) Offer it to your friend first, and only sit when she says she doesn't mind standing.
c) Insist that you want to stand so you can stretch your legs, and refuse to sit down.

If you answered (b) and (c), respectively, then congratulations! You're a China expert! Please come visit me and teach me how to be like you!

4. Slurping
I've been eating a lot of Chinese noodles, since they're one of only a few vegetarian options in the dining hall. Have you ever tried to eat noodles with chopsticks? Try it sometime. You'll find it's not as easy as you might think. In fact, it can be a slow and messy process if done incorrectly. After careful observation, I have determined the best noodle eating method.
Step 1: Hunch low over the bowl.
Step 2: Shovel a mouthful of noodles into your mouth.
Step 3: Slurp loudly and vigorously to ensure that the entirety of each noodle is consumed in the same mouthful.
Repeat as necessary.
Once you get over the fact that everyone in the room will know that you are eating noodles, this is actually quite fun.

5. Drinking hot water
Because Chinese tap water is disgustingly dirty and not fit for human consumption, the Chinese boil it before drinking it. In the dorm, I get my freshly boiled water from the water heater in the kitchen. It tastes kinda funky if I wait for it to cool to room temperature, so I've taken to drinking it while still hot and tasteless. It's actually become a soothing bedtime ritual, to take noisy sips from my new BPA-filled plastic water bottle. My water bottle even has a name: Binie.

My bathroom

Wow - I can't believe I've made it this far without mentioning my bathroom. My bathroom is very special. It doubles as a shower! That's right - the clever architects who renovated my building five years ago decided not to bother with a separate stall or tub area for washing. Instead, they installed an industrial drain in the middle of the floor between the toilet and the sink, and hung a detachable shower head on the wall. Voila! A shower.

What this means for day to day usage is that showers must be carefully timed so as to be the last order of business in the bathroom. This is because after a shower, the floor, toilet, and counter are all drenched. A daily shower means that the floor never totally dries out, so on my second day here, I went out and bought a pair of stylish plastic sandals to keep my socks from getting all wet every time I enter the bathroom.

My bathroom sports other interesting features as well. For example, the bare bulb that supplies light for the bathroom requires about sixty seconds of "warm up" time before it will shine any brighter than a nightlight. And ooo! The sink! On my first night here, I stood over the sink for about 5 minutes, waiting for the hot water. It never came. The women at the front desk informed me the next day that this is because there is no hot water in the sink. No - if I want hot water, I have to turn on the shower.

Given all of these advantages, you will not be surprised to learn that I have become quite attached to my bathroom. In fact, last week, I was offered the opportunity to switch to another room, since the woman in charge of the dorms was worried that I might be too cold in my current room. After seeing the inferior bathroom of the proposed new room, however, I had to politely decline.

Guilty pleasure

So, I've been here for almost a week and a half and I have to admit, I'm pretty sick of the dining hall food already. The vegetarian options are extremely limited, and everything looks (and kinda tastes) like greasy brown sludge. The noodles are tasty, but again, greasy, and all but vegetable free. So yeah - I'm really craving a bowl of chunky vegetable soup, or some sort of simple pasta primavera type dish. This craving started when I ventured into the dorm kitchen last night to get some water, and happened upon a group of Pakistani guys huddled around a fragrant pot of simmering eggplant stew. Evidence of fresh onions, peppers, and tomatoes were scattered on the counter. Jealous jealous jealous!

Then, today, perusing my choices in the dining hall, I simply could not bring myself to order yet another plate of thick brown potato slime, or a slick pile of mystery greens, or an oily bowl of boiled tomatoes. I decided instead to go with a stuffed bun, since it's relatively dry. After assuring me several times that the bun I ordered was indeed meat-free, the server bagged it for me and I took it back to my room to eat. While in the room, I also made the magical, amazing, life-changing discovery that through some clever computer fiddling, I could trick NBC and FOX into thinking that I was located in the U.S., thus allowing me to watch TV online. This is huge! I am a genius! Anyway, I was feeling pretty good, until I bit into the bun and found out that while the filling was mostly vegetable, it had some meat chunks in it as well. Dadgummit. There goes lunch. And two minutes later, I made the unpleasant discovery that my internet connection is too slow for TV watching. With an empty stomach, and my entertainment hopes dashed, my afternoon was officially ruined. Only one thing could save it from complete and utter disaster. I rushed over to the little shop in the dorm and bought myself an American chocolate bar. Probably the best 50 cents I've spent all week.

Gan bei

I just came back from a fancy department dinner with the dean. Let me quickly set the scene: private room with private bathroom, private wait staff, huge round table set with fancy cloth napkins folded into elaborate designs, chopstick rests, spoon rests, doilies, bamboo rests for the hot damp napkins that were handed around with tongs.

As we were making small talk before the meal, I was casually asked (but with much curiosity) whether I drank. Because Chinese women don't usually drink much, and I didn't want them to think I was a man, I said that I only drank very rarely. Nevertheless, my fate was sealed: I was to be a participant of the drinking ritual that followed, and continued throughout the meal. The dean made a quick gesture to our waitress, who quickly came around filling everyone's glass with beer. It started off fine. The dean held up his glass, looked around the table, and said "cheers everyone!" And we all drank a little. Then the real fun began. The dean turned to the professor next to him and said "Professor Li, let's drink". And they clinked their glasses, and chugged til they were empty. Before you could even blink, the waitress had come by and refilled. Then the dean looked at me and was like "Alexis, welcome to our department. Gan bei!" (That means "empty your glass".) So I had no choice but to chug with him, while everyone watched. This continued around the table, with every possible permutation. Professor Li drank with me. Professor Wang drank with Professor Hong. I drank with Professor Meng. And so on. This enforced drinking continued throughout the meal.

By the end of the evening, at least three professors were wasted. One was on his third cigarette. Another stumbled on his way to the bathroom. One of the women had turned bright red from the alcohol and kept apologizing for how sensitive her skin was. Everyone was loud and jolly. I was one "gan bei" away from dancing on the table. (Ha - not quite, but I was definitely feeling it.) The meal closed with all of us being forced to eat dumplings ("they'll counteract the alcohol") and with the dean announcing that drinking is the best way to overcome jetlag.

One of my friends once shared his idea of measuring the impact of banquets on the health of Chinese officials. At the time, I thought he just meant all the food. Silly me.

Booor-ring

Today was my first full day of work since I've been here, and oh. my. god! The internet is unbelievably slow! Right now I'm doing a tedious literature search, which even on a good day would involve hours of combing through pdf files online. But today was just ridiculous. I mean, they warned me that foreign pages would load a bit slower than Chinese pages, but seriously? At this rate, there could totally be a Chinese official sitting in some room leisurely perusing each document I attempt to access. I'd say I spent an average of 5-10 minutes per document. And that's just to figure out if it's worth downloading! And I have no choice but just to sit there, twitching in frustration as I wait for each page to load.

Given that this was how I spent my day, I was thrilled when one of the teachers in the office asked me to help his friend fill out an immigration form for Canada. Human interaction! Translation! No computer! And the timing was perfect, we finished with the form just in time for me to leave for my first kung fu class. But this guy and his friend were so grateful for my assistance that they insisted on taking me out for dinner, even though I had told them earlier that I had something at 5. So I missed my first class and was all disappointed. But dinner mostly made up for it. Look at this food!



So many colors! So tasty! The food in the dining hall is fine, but it all looks like brown slop compared to this stuff. It was nice to go out to a real restaurant for a change.

By the way, another featured dish at dinner tonight was this one:

See those soft, pine cone shaped things? Those are pig kidneys.

Spring Fever

Today I visited Jinan's famous freshwater springs. The springs are mostly underground, but in some places, they quite literally bubble to the surface, joining and becoming one with local rivers and ponds. In most cases, the clean spring water is immediately contaminated by the dark polluted murk that is a Chinese river. But sometimes, the spring water bubbles up into a little pool, separate from the main river, and can be seen in all its glory. These pools are clear and blue and quiet. Or, they would be if not for the throngs of Chinese crowding around to take a look. Back in the day, all of Jinan drank spring water all of the time, and apparently Jinan women were known for their soft skin and clear complexions. Putting two and two together, I quickly realized that I should do what everyone else at the springs was doing, and fill a bottle (or seven) to take home. Many visitors came prepared with giant jugs attached to long strings, so they were able to lower their receptacle into the clear pool, fill it, and pull it back up. Like this guy:


I only had my little Sigg, so I thought I'd have to turn away empty handed. But wait! Set back a bit from one of the pools, someone had tapped into the spring and created a separate, smaller stream of water, conveniently sized to flow directly into smaller water bottles. I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd and was able to fill my bottle. Success! All I have to do now is wait for the water to work its magic. And hopefully the magic will be on my skin, not on my intestines.

Clubbing

I was continuing to explore the campus this morning when I accidentally walked through a student activities fair. One block later, I emerged, the newest member of two kung fu clubs (apparently they hate each other - oops), the cycling club (never mind that I don't have a bike), and the English society. (The members of the guitar club fought hard for me too, but I was able to escape by promising to attend their concerts.) I have a number of new friends too. In fact, I was accompanied to lunch by two girls wearing shiny pink kung fu outfits. I clearly hang out with the cool crowd here in China, just like I did back in the U.S.

Also today, I finally ventured off campus to the great city of Jinan. I risked my life crossing a busy road to get to a little market area. This market sold a wide assortment of goods, including live roosters, pig carcasses, hunks of cow (flies included!), beans of every color, grains of every variety, greasy pancakes, spicy noodles, pastries, kitchen supplies, and clothing, to name a few. I went there to buy sheets. (A little late, I know.) I stopped at a little stand filled with bolts of cloth in cutesy patterns. All I had to do was pick a design I liked, tell them the measurements of my bed, and they'd make a sheet while I waited. Custom-made sheets! You're jealous, I can tell. Anyway, while the idea of having my bed be covered with pastel-colored talking pigs was tempting, I eventually opted instead for an attractive orange and yellow retro flower pattern, reminiscent of my parents' sheets in the late 1980s. Total cost: $5 Seeing a puppy pee on a rooster on the way home: Priceless.

I'm here!

Hi everyone! I have officially arrived in Jinan, and am mostly settled. I'm living in what they call the "foreign students' dorm", and, after a few days of technological drama, I finally have an internet connection. My first night here was disastrous - I hadn't slept in 28 hours, and it was really dark outside, so I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere. Then I got showed to my room, which was all bleak and impersonal with dirty white walls, ugly gold curtains, a cold tile floor, and a rusty looking bathroom. I was all like "Oh NO! I've made a huuuuge mistake! What am I DOING here??" and THEN I found out I didn't even have internet so I couldn't comfort myself by reading a friendly e-mail or calling home. I felt so isolated and alone and was really sad.

But! After a good night's sleep, and some morning sunlight, things seemed a lot better. The campus here is beautiful, with tons of big shady trees, and old classical-looking stone buildings. Take a look! This is my dorm:



And people are soooooo nice! I met the other members of my research team on Thursday and we all went out for a fancy lunch. And two graduate students have been helping me settle in, buy stuff for my dorm, get a meal card for the school cafeteria, show me around campus, etc. And once I unpacked, my dorm room didn't seem so barren.

So how have I been filling my time so far? Um, basically eating and shopping. Everyone on campus, students and faculty alike, eats at the school cafeteria. There are a bunch of different food stations - noodles, rice, traditional stir fry, dumplings, vegetable pancakes, etc. - and you pick what things you want, swipe a pre-paid card, and voila! A meal! And it's ridiculously cheap too; a giant bowl of steaming homemade noodles runs about $0.50, and that's one of the most expensive things offered. There are a ton of vegetarian options too, although I've adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy toward the broths and sauces that everything is served in.

Shopping has been more practical than exciting. I went to the local Wal-Mart to stock up on home essentials like a bath towel and toilet paper, both of which are of significantly poorer quality than their American counterparts. I swear the towels here actually repel water instead of absorbing it, and the toilet paper could double as note paper in an emergency. I have to carry toilet paper around with me during the day too, since bathrooms here don't provide any. They don't have soap either, so I also lug around a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Anyway, so that's my life here in a nutshell. Like I said, people have been really friendly, and I already have a few contacts in my fancy new Chinese cell phone. Apparently I'm the only American on campus (the other foreign students are all from Pakistan), and so the Chinese students are curious to meet me. We'll see what happens when the novelty wears off though. I will do my best to continue posting here. In the meantime, I hope you all are well. Thank you so much for all of your e-mails! I miss you tons and tons and tons!!! <3