So, it turns out I've kind of been in this country illegally. When I went to extend my visa, they noticed that I had neglected to register with the local police station after my visit home at Christmas. Which, yeah, was about six months ago. In my defense, no one even so much as hinted to me that this might be necessary. Indeed, a casual poll of the professors and administrators in my office has revealed mass ignorance of this apparently critical national law.
As I write this, a plump woman bureaucrat is sitting in her air conditioned glass office thinking up a suitable punishment for me. I'm looking forward to hearing the results of her musings. Will I get to experience the inside of a Chinese prison? Enjoy a few days of forced manual labor? Or, more likely, will they try to squeeze every last penny out of this poor American in the form of an unreasonably large fine?
In the spirit of my new status as an international criminal, last night I snuck into a scenic park after hours, by scaling a 15 foot high stone wall and scrambling over a tall, extremely rusty metal fence. (Not a chain link fence, by the way. That would be too easy. Hopping this fence required the assistance of a nearby pine tree and a leg up from my partner in crime.) We braved giant screaming crickets, feral cats, and low flying bats to hack our way to the top of the mountain, where we enjoyed Jinan's nightscape ("hey look! you can't see the pollution!") before quietly slipping out a side gate.
At least now I have some practice if it turns out I need to spend my remaining three months here on the lam.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sweet Summer
With temperatures regularly breaking 100 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity close to 100 percent, and no outdoor swimming facilities,
Pretty, no?
Moreover, my years of complaining about the over-air conditioned Harvard buildings are officially over. Most campus spaces do not have air conditioning, but those that do keep the temperature at a cool 78. This is both to save money on electricity, and to protect our qi, because anyone who knows anything about traditional Chinese medicine will tell you that severe changes in temperature are bad for your blood.
I am lucky enough to have air conditioning in my room, which has made me quite popular among the Chinese students, who don’t have air conditioning. To beat the heat, they have developed certain innovative summertime habits. For example, at night they sleep on a mat of smooth bamboo. Not only does this keep them cool, but it eliminates the problem of sweaty sheets. Less laundry!
In addition, when in the dorms, both male and female students alike regularly walk around completely naked. (As a side note, this has answered once and for all the question of why Chinese dorms are gender segregated.) Indeed, this behavior is so common that one of my friends proposed that the following sign be posted on the entrance to her dorm: “Non-Nude Forbidden to Enter”.
I love summer, don’t you?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
How to Get Around
To travel from point A to point B in Jinan, I have three choices: walk, take a cab, or take a bus. (The underground springs make a subway system impossible, and I'd be way too scared to ride a bike here even if I had one.) So let's take a closer look at my options.
Option 1: Walk
A lot of people in this country can't afford cars, so you'd think they'd be somewhat pedestrian friendly. Yeah, well, they're not. Consider this: You know how pedestrian crossing signs generally have a lit up image of a person walking to indicate that it's safe to cross? Well here? That person is running. For his life.
Pedestrian versus car incidents are common, and the pedestrian always loses. Many of the foreigners on campus have had their feet run over by passing cars. I have witnessed my fair share of accidents, and let me tell you, they are NOT pretty. The worst? A small child dashing across the street was hit, knocked down, and then run over.
Have I mentioned I refuse to cross the street alone?
Option 2: Drive
Cars are the bullies of the road here, and are afforded a certain amount of respect. Even the traffic laws seem to coddle them: The traffic lights turn yellow before they turn green, basically the Chinese way of saying "On your mark...get set..."
Most Chinese drivers fall into the "aggressive driver" category. There seems to be an unspoken understanding that two lane roads should always be turned into four lane roads. Car horns are regularly used as a warning: "Watch it! I'm coming! Get outta the way!" And speed limits are mere suggestions. My cab driver the other day was going 110 mph in a 50 mph zone. And yes, I do mean miles per hour.
To add to the excitement, seatbelts are scorned in this country. Drivers routinely get insulted if I buckle up, and the dust marks the seatbelts leave on my clothing attest to the fact that I'm pretty much the only one who ever uses them. And actually, you only get a seatbelt if you're sitting in the front. Passengers in the back just have to pray.
Option 3: Bus
Chinese buses are big, so they don't get bullied by the tiny city cars that dart around everywhere. And they're cheap and plentiful, so you can generally find one that'll take you where you want to go. Sounds good eh?
There are a few obvious downsides to busing it. One is that Chinese buses are super crowded, so don't even think about getting a seat. A regular sized bus is usually packed with over 100 passengers, so in all likelihood, you'll be squished up against a stranger. And that stranger may be a pickpocket, so watch your cell phone.
A bigger downside to taking the bus, though, is that the bus mechanics are not necessarily the greatest. You know how the Chinatown buses in the U.S. are rumored to catch on fire and stuff? Well, this is China! Think about how much worse it is here! Just a couple of weeks ago a bus in Sichuan exploded and something like 27 people died. The emergency exit was jammed and the axes you're supposed to use to break the windows had been stolen, so people were stuck inside as the bus burned. Not the way I wanna go.
So...in light of these choices, who votes for me never leaving the quiet safety of the university campus?
Option 1: Walk
A lot of people in this country can't afford cars, so you'd think they'd be somewhat pedestrian friendly. Yeah, well, they're not. Consider this: You know how pedestrian crossing signs generally have a lit up image of a person walking to indicate that it's safe to cross? Well here? That person is running. For his life.
Pedestrian versus car incidents are common, and the pedestrian always loses. Many of the foreigners on campus have had their feet run over by passing cars. I have witnessed my fair share of accidents, and let me tell you, they are NOT pretty. The worst? A small child dashing across the street was hit, knocked down, and then run over.
Have I mentioned I refuse to cross the street alone?
Option 2: Drive
Cars are the bullies of the road here, and are afforded a certain amount of respect. Even the traffic laws seem to coddle them: The traffic lights turn yellow before they turn green, basically the Chinese way of saying "On your mark...get set..."
Most Chinese drivers fall into the "aggressive driver" category. There seems to be an unspoken understanding that two lane roads should always be turned into four lane roads. Car horns are regularly used as a warning: "Watch it! I'm coming! Get outta the way!" And speed limits are mere suggestions. My cab driver the other day was going 110 mph in a 50 mph zone. And yes, I do mean miles per hour.
To add to the excitement, seatbelts are scorned in this country. Drivers routinely get insulted if I buckle up, and the dust marks the seatbelts leave on my clothing attest to the fact that I'm pretty much the only one who ever uses them. And actually, you only get a seatbelt if you're sitting in the front. Passengers in the back just have to pray.
Option 3: Bus
Chinese buses are big, so they don't get bullied by the tiny city cars that dart around everywhere. And they're cheap and plentiful, so you can generally find one that'll take you where you want to go. Sounds good eh?
There are a few obvious downsides to busing it. One is that Chinese buses are super crowded, so don't even think about getting a seat. A regular sized bus is usually packed with over 100 passengers, so in all likelihood, you'll be squished up against a stranger. And that stranger may be a pickpocket, so watch your cell phone.
A bigger downside to taking the bus, though, is that the bus mechanics are not necessarily the greatest. You know how the Chinatown buses in the U.S. are rumored to catch on fire and stuff? Well, this is China! Think about how much worse it is here! Just a couple of weeks ago a bus in Sichuan exploded and something like 27 people died. The emergency exit was jammed and the axes you're supposed to use to break the windows had been stolen, so people were stuck inside as the bus burned. Not the way I wanna go.
So...in light of these choices, who votes for me never leaving the quiet safety of the university campus?
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Great Wall
I'd heard of the great wall, of course, but it was only about a month ago that I realized how strong it is.I'm referring, of course, to The Great Firewall. Instead of keeping out the Northern Barbarians who threatened the empire under imperial rule, the Great Firewall aims to keep out Western Barbarian news sources, and anything else on the internet that threatens to disprove Communist Party propoganda.
I bring this up because government censorship is why this site has lain dormant lately. Anything hosted on Blogspot - including my innocent little blog - has blocked since mid-May. The only way I'm able to post this now is because I am sneaky and clever.
The sudden internet crackdown was strategically timed to coincide with the 20th anniversary of a certain government attack on college students (ahem),
But never fear! My vacation is over and I have lots of new and oh-so-insightful observations to share, and I'm not going to let some stuffed shirts working for the Party spoil all the fun.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Oink
I should buy a lotto ticket, because today is my lucky day.
There are two confirmed cases of swine flu in China. One is out west, far away from me.
The other is here in Jinan.
Of the 1.3 billion people in this country, it just figures that of the two infected people, one of them has to be living in the same city as I am. What are the odds of that? A little under 0.5%?
In fact, the patient is currently housed in Jinan's infectious disease hospital, right up the street from my campus. And since I reside on the medical campus, a non-negligible percentage of the people in the area either work or study in this hospital.
Oh goody.
Naturally, Jinan residents can now talk about nothing but swine flu. Face masks are flying off the shelves. People are staying inside. Any and everything is being disinfected with vinegar, so the streets smell kinda funny. Everyone is reminiscing about SARS. And then there's me, with my sad little American immune system, which is pretty much a magnet for foreign diseases of all kinds.
By my calculations, it's just a matter of time.
There are two confirmed cases of swine flu in China. One is out west, far away from me.
The other is here in Jinan.
Of the 1.3 billion people in this country, it just figures that of the two infected people, one of them has to be living in the same city as I am. What are the odds of that? A little under 0.5%?
In fact, the patient is currently housed in Jinan's infectious disease hospital, right up the street from my campus. And since I reside on the medical campus, a non-negligible percentage of the people in the area either work or study in this hospital.
Oh goody.
Naturally, Jinan residents can now talk about nothing but swine flu. Face masks are flying off the shelves. People are staying inside. Any and everything is being disinfected with vinegar, so the streets smell kinda funny. Everyone is reminiscing about SARS. And then there's me, with my sad little American immune system, which is pretty much a magnet for foreign diseases of all kinds.
By my calculations, it's just a matter of time.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Summer Lovin'
In China, May 1 is a magical day. Not only is it the national Workers' Day celebration, but it is also the symbolic start of summer, much as Memorial Day is in the U.S. Before May 1, it might be 85 degrees out but everyone will still be wearing boots, long sleeves, and jackets. After May 1, even 75 degree weather is deserving of a pastel hued skirt and a puffy blouse.
In addition to the freedom to wear weather-appropriate clothing, there is much to love about summer in Jinan. First of all, there are the famous Jinan mosquitoes.
Larger and noisier than your average American mosquito, Jinan mosquitoes are both plentiful and skilled. No matter though, these clever insects also offer a golden opportunity. I am referring, of course, to the requisite mosquito net that is hung over every single bed in town. Far from being a nuisance, the mosquito net is effective at keeping unwanted guests off of your bed, and I personally enjoy the way in which it makes me feel like a princess sleeping under a graceful canopy of tulle.
Summer in Jinan also marks the beginning of the wet season. While I went my first six months in town without ever needing an umbrella, the past few weeks have been marked by torrential downpours and violent thunderstorms. Our campus has the added advantage of turning into a major tributary to the Yellow River during such storms. Students and faculty alike are forced to don rubber flip-flops and wade through ankle deep streams in order to get from one place to another. This water is teeming with plastic bags, dirty chopsticks, used wrappers of all kinds, and anything that happened to be on the tires of the many cars that drive through campus. Because of this, I have been cautioned to wrap my feet in plastic if I have any open wounds.
To the many pleasures of warm weather, Chinese men have also added that of seeing them stroll around shirtless. Indeed, sans-top is the preferred attire for enjoying barbecue.
And just when you think things can't get any better, consider this. The cold beverage of choice in the summertime is a large bottle of beer, to be enjoyed at any time of day.
Let the good times begin.
In addition to the freedom to wear weather-appropriate clothing, there is much to love about summer in Jinan. First of all, there are the famous Jinan mosquitoes.
Larger and noisier than your average American mosquito, Jinan mosquitoes are both plentiful and skilled. No matter though, these clever insects also offer a golden opportunity. I am referring, of course, to the requisite mosquito net that is hung over every single bed in town. Far from being a nuisance, the mosquito net is effective at keeping unwanted guests off of your bed, and I personally enjoy the way in which it makes me feel like a princess sleeping under a graceful canopy of tulle.
Summer in Jinan also marks the beginning of the wet season. While I went my first six months in town without ever needing an umbrella, the past few weeks have been marked by torrential downpours and violent thunderstorms. Our campus has the added advantage of turning into a major tributary to the Yellow River during such storms. Students and faculty alike are forced to don rubber flip-flops and wade through ankle deep streams in order to get from one place to another. This water is teeming with plastic bags, dirty chopsticks, used wrappers of all kinds, and anything that happened to be on the tires of the many cars that drive through campus. Because of this, I have been cautioned to wrap my feet in plastic if I have any open wounds.To the many pleasures of warm weather, Chinese men have also added that of seeing them stroll around shirtless. Indeed, sans-top is the preferred attire for enjoying barbecue.
And just when you think things can't get any better, consider this. The cold beverage of choice in the summertime is a large bottle of beer, to be enjoyed at any time of day.
Let the good times begin.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Funny ha ha
Two "jokes" involving Americans:
A middle aged Chinese woman and a middle aged American woman both own houses.
The American woman: "Hooray! I've finally paid off my mortgage!"
The Chinese woman: "Hooray! I've finally saved enough to buy a house!"
An American travels to Kaifeng city. He is critical of everything: the buildings are too short, the roads are filled with potholes, the houses are in disrepair. Finally, a Chinese street vendor hears him complaining and gets annoyed.
"This city is five thousand years old!" he exclaims. "It was once the national capital of China!"
He points to the pot he is using to make his soup.
"This single pot has a longer history than your entire country! It hasn't been washed in over 300 years!"
The American maintained a shamed silence for the rest of his trip.
The funny thing is, I don't find either of these offensive at all, even though I think they're kinda supposed to be. On the contrary, I am intrigued by this 300 year old pot. Apparently Kaifeng actually is famous for soup prepared in never-washed pots. Sign me up!
A middle aged Chinese woman and a middle aged American woman both own houses.
The American woman: "Hooray! I've finally paid off my mortgage!"
The Chinese woman: "Hooray! I've finally saved enough to buy a house!"
An American travels to Kaifeng city. He is critical of everything: the buildings are too short, the roads are filled with potholes, the houses are in disrepair. Finally, a Chinese street vendor hears him complaining and gets annoyed.
"This city is five thousand years old!" he exclaims. "It was once the national capital of China!"
He points to the pot he is using to make his soup.
"This single pot has a longer history than your entire country! It hasn't been washed in over 300 years!"
The American maintained a shamed silence for the rest of his trip.
The funny thing is, I don't find either of these offensive at all, even though I think they're kinda supposed to be. On the contrary, I am intrigued by this 300 year old pot. Apparently Kaifeng actually is famous for soup prepared in never-washed pots. Sign me up!
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