Red Tape

While I have absolutely no data on this, I feel fairly confident making the claim that China has the largest and most unwieldy bureaucracy in the world. Over the course of the past week, I have come face-to-face with this bureaucracy in an innocent attempt to extend my visa.

[Warning: The only thing more time-consuming than reading about this experience was actually living through it.]

When I first went to the visa office last week, armed with a thick packet of official paperwork that I had triple-checked for accuracy, I was informed that I was missing one form: proof of residence. I was assured that this could easily be obtained from the local police station.

At the local police station, I was informed that only one employee knew how to issue me proof of residence, and that she was in a meeting. I was told to come back "later".

When I returned later that afternoon, the employee in question was indeed back in the office, deeply absorbed in her work, which seemed to involve texting someone on her cell phone and giggling to herself. Without looking up from her phone, she informed me that I needed a signed and sealed letter from my department stating my address before she could issue proof of residence.

This was Friday afternoon. Bright and early Monday morning, I appeared at the police station with the requisite letter, only to find that the multi-tasking employee had taken the day off. Because I am not a patient person, I asked another employee if she could please figure out some way to get me my proof of residence, because it had already been several days and my visa was about to expire. The subsequent phone call she made was the one in which it was discovered that I was an unregistered alien no better than a common criminal.

Two days later I returned, yet again, to the police station for sentencing. Unsurprisingly, they decided that I was to be fined. I won't say the exact amount, but I will say that it represents half of my monthly salary. And apparently ignorance isn't an acceptable excuse for lawlessness in China.

Anyway, you might think I could just pay up and get out of there, but you'd be wrong. They had to take a sworn statement from me, stating the case, and then confirming that I understood the charges against me and didn't deny them. This was handwritten by the officer in charge. Then, they had to make copies of my passport and visa. Because they don't have a copy machine, they actually made me go out into the street to find a copy place and pay for the necessary copies. Then they made me fill out a form with my basic information. Again, because they don't have a copier, I had to fill out multiple copies. These copies were then all thrown away and I had to start again from scratch because they accidentally gave me a blue ballpoint pen instead of a black gel pen.

Once the paperwork was all filled out, I had to sign everything. This involved my actual handwritten signature, as well as my fingerprint. They gave me a little red inkpad and I had to stamp my finger over every signature and date on all of the forms. Then I had to do it all over again because I only signed my first and last names - and not my middle name - which apparently can be very confusing for non-English speakers.

Just when I thought everything was finally finished, they decided that they needed further proof that I was who I said I was. So my professor from the university was called down to the station to verify my identity. She was also forced to sit around while the officer in charge handwrote yet another statement of the charges against me, which my professor then had to sign. While we waited around, I taught her how to play hangman:

All good things must come to an end, however, including my time at the police station. I was eventually given my proof of residence form, and forced to say goodbye to my new friends. I was heartened, however, by the knowledge that I would now have the opportunity to make more friends back at the visa office. Sadly, however, things there went fairly smoothly. The only minor hitch occured a couple of days later, when I went to pick up the completed visa. No one appeared to be manning the visa counter, and when I asked the manager, he sent upstairs to a back room where I had to actually rouse the necessary employee out of bed. But he obediently shuffled downstairs - rumpled hair and all - and quickly and efficiently retrieved my passport and visa.

That's China for you.

Independence Day

While the Fourth of July passed quietly here, with no local fanfare, today was still an independence day of sorts, as it marked the first official day of summer vacation. The last university exams were yesterday, so thousands of students celebrated today by sleeping past 6 am for the first time in recent memory, and by supporting local businesses with weeks of pent-up pocket money.

While I obviously had no exams, I too rejoiced over the end of finals, because it meant that my friends were finally free ("independent") to hang out with me again. A few of us celebrated by going out for barbecue, which was the most American thing I could think of doing. Of course, Chinese barbecue is quite different from the American variety:

Intestine, bone marrow, and pig's ears rarely appear on the menu at the typical Fourth of July picnic. The beer is the same though, and that's what matters eh?

I tried to encourage people to show their patriotic love for the U.S. by wearing red, white, and blue, but out of girlish modesty, my friends declined to wear red on the grounds that it is "too sexy".

Sexy indeed.

Miss you America! Happy Fourth of July!

Living on the Edge

So, it turns out I've kind of been in this country illegally. When I went to extend my visa, they noticed that I had neglected to register with the local police station after my visit home at Christmas. Which, yeah, was about six months ago. In my defense, no one even so much as hinted to me that this might be necessary. Indeed, a casual poll of the professors and administrators in my office has revealed mass ignorance of this apparently critical national law.

As I write this, a plump woman bureaucrat is sitting in her air conditioned glass office thinking up a suitable punishment for me. I'm looking forward to hearing the results of her musings. Will I get to experience the inside of a Chinese prison? Enjoy a few days of forced manual labor? Or, more likely, will they try to squeeze every last penny out of this poor American in the form of an unreasonably large fine?

In the spirit of my new status as an international criminal, last night I snuck into a scenic park after hours, by scaling a 15 foot high stone wall and scrambling over a tall, extremely rusty metal fence. (Not a chain link fence, by the way. That would be too easy. Hopping this fence required the assistance of a nearby pine tree and a leg up from my partner in crime.) We braved giant screaming crickets, feral cats, and low flying bats to hack our way to the top of the mountain, where we enjoyed Jinan's nightscape ("hey look! you can't see the pollution!") before quietly slipping out a side gate.

At least now I have some practice if it turns out I need to spend my remaining three months here on the lam.

Sweet Summer

With temperatures regularly breaking 100 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity close to 100 percent, and no outdoor swimming facilities, Jinan is the ideal place to spend a relaxing summer. To blend in with the locals, I have broken down and purchased an elegant parasol to keep my skin as pasty as ever.

Pretty, no?

Moreover, my years of complaining about the over-air conditioned Harvard buildings are officially over. Most campus spaces do not have air conditioning, but those that do keep the temperature at a cool 78. This is both to save money on electricity, and to protect our qi, because anyone who knows anything about traditional Chinese medicine will tell you that severe changes in temperature are bad for your blood.

I am lucky enough to have air conditioning in my room, which has made me quite popular among the Chinese students, who don’t have air conditioning. To beat the heat, they have developed certain innovative summertime habits. For example, at night they sleep on a mat of smooth bamboo. Not only does this keep them cool, but it eliminates the problem of sweaty sheets. Less laundry!

In addition, when in the dorms, both male and female students alike regularly walk around completely naked. (As a side note, this has answered once and for all the question of why Chinese dorms are gender segregated.) Indeed, this behavior is so common that one of my friends proposed that the following sign be posted on the entrance to her dorm: “Non-Nude Forbidden to Enter”.

I love summer, don’t you?

How to Get Around

To travel from point A to point B in Jinan, I have three choices: walk, take a cab, or take a bus. (The underground springs make a subway system impossible, and I'd be way too scared to ride a bike here even if I had one.) So let's take a closer look at my options.

Option 1: Walk

A lot of people in this country can't afford cars, so you'd think they'd be somewhat pedestrian friendly. Yeah, well, they're not. Consider this: You know how pedestrian crossing signs generally have a lit up image of a person walking to indicate that it's safe to cross? Well here? That person is running. For his life.

Pedestrian versus car incidents are common, and the pedestrian always loses. Many of the foreigners on campus have had their feet run over by passing cars. I have witnessed my fair share of accidents, and let me tell you, they are NOT pretty. The worst? A small child dashing across the street was hit, knocked down, and then run over.

Have I mentioned I refuse to cross the street alone?

Option 2: Drive

Cars are the bullies of the road here, and are afforded a certain amount of respect. Even the traffic laws seem to coddle them: The traffic lights turn yellow before they turn green, basically the Chinese way of saying "On your mark...get set..."

Most Chinese drivers fall into the "aggressive driver" category. There seems to be an unspoken understanding that two lane roads should always be turned into four lane roads. Car horns are regularly used as a warning: "Watch it! I'm coming! Get outta the way!" And speed limits are mere suggestions. My cab driver the other day was going 110 mph in a 50 mph zone. And yes, I do mean miles per hour.

To add to the excitement, seatbelts are scorned in this country. Drivers routinely get insulted if I buckle up, and the dust marks the seatbelts leave on my clothing attest to the fact that I'm pretty much the only one who ever uses them. And actually, you only get a seatbelt if you're sitting in the front. Passengers in the back just have to pray.

Option 3: Bus



Chinese buses are big, so they don't get bullied by the tiny city cars that dart around everywhere. And they're cheap and plentiful, so you can generally find one that'll take you where you want to go. Sounds good eh?

There are a few obvious downsides to busing it. One is that Chinese buses are super crowded, so don't even think about getting a seat. A regular sized bus is usually packed with over 100 passengers, so in all likelihood, you'll be squished up against a stranger. And that stranger may be a pickpocket, so watch your cell phone.

A bigger downside to taking the bus, though, is that the bus mechanics are not necessarily the greatest. You know how the Chinatown buses in the U.S. are rumored to catch on fire and stuff? Well, this is China! Think about how much worse it is here! Just a couple of weeks ago a bus in Sichuan exploded and something like 27 people died. The emergency exit was jammed and the axes you're supposed to use to break the windows had been stolen, so people were stuck inside as the bus burned. Not the way I wanna go.

So...in light of these choices, who votes for me never leaving the quiet safety of the university campus?

The Great Wall

I'd heard of the great wall, of course, but it was only about a month ago that I realized how strong it is.

I'm referring, of course, to The Great Firewall. Instead of keeping out the Northern Barbarians who threatened the empire under imperial rule, the Great Firewall aims to keep out Western Barbarian news sources, and anything else on the internet that threatens to disprove Communist Party propoganda.

I bring this up because government censorship is why this site has lain dormant lately. Anything hosted on Blogspot - including my innocent little blog - has blocked since mid-May. The only way I'm able to post this now is because I am sneaky and clever.

The sudden internet crackdown was strategically timed to coincide with the 20th anniversary of a certain government attack on college students (ahem),

but it also happened to work out nicely for me, since I've been traveling these past several weeks and haven't had much of an internet connection anyway.

But never fear! My vacation is over and I have lots of new and oh-so-insightful observations to share, and I'm not going to let some stuffed shirts working for the Party spoil all the fun.

Missed you guys!

Oink

I should buy a lotto ticket, because today is my lucky day.

There are two confirmed cases of swine flu in China. One is out west, far away from me.

The other is here in Jinan.

Of the 1.3 billion people in this country, it just figures that of the two infected people, one of them has to be living in the same city as I am. What are the odds of that? A little under 0.5%?

In fact, the patient is currently housed in Jinan's infectious disease hospital, right up the street from my campus. And since I reside on the medical campus, a non-negligible percentage of the people in the area either work or study in this hospital.

Oh goody.

Naturally, Jinan residents can now talk about nothing but swine flu. Face masks are flying off the shelves. People are staying inside. Any and everything is being disinfected with vinegar, so the streets smell kinda funny. Everyone is reminiscing about SARS. And then there's me, with my sad little American immune system, which is pretty much a magnet for foreign diseases of all kinds.

By my calculations, it's just a matter of time.