Apple a Day

This is Dr. Yi, one of the many village doctors that I met on my recent survey of China's rural areas.

In addition to enjoying the occasional slice of watermelon, he has the unique ability of making every child in the village cry on sight, probably because of his professional love of needles. He is also a favorite among the men in the village because of his tendency to hand out free cigarettes.

My interactions with him and other village doctors have taught me quite a lot about basic health care. Never one to deprive others of valuable health tips, let me share what I have learned.

- An effective cure for the common cold is an IV injection of sugar water.

- Antibiotics are a good way to both treat and prevent diarrhea.

- Flies do not pose a health risk and should be welcomed at the local clinic.

- Two pills are more effective than one; three pills are more effective than two; and four pills are more effective than three.

- When you have your period, you should:

+ Never ever exercise or engage in strenuous activity of any kind.

+ Avoid consuming any food or beverage that is not steaming hot (including water).

+ Drink a concoction of brown sugar and water to ease cramps.

- An appropriate nomiker for a bipolar patient is "the psycho".

With these tips in mind, who's up for a stay at the village health center?

Or how about the fever ward of the local hospital?

Personally, I may opt for the proverbial apple instead.

Paradise: Found

Imagine a world in which all of your friends and family members live within a few miles of your home. A world where kids regularly ride their bikes to their friends' houses without worrying about being abducted on the way. Where neighbors regularly stop by just to chat, and friendly neighborhood card games are a popular after-dinner pastime. This is a world in which families eat all of their meals together, and in which every meal is made with freshly picked organic vegetables from the garden.

Welcome to a rural Chinese village.

Before you start packing your bags and joining the approximately 87 million others living in this rustic paradise, note that some may claim that the lack of certain modern conveniences cast a shadow on this wholesome, down-to-earth living experience. These party poopers might point out that the typical village bathroom is an open air slosh pit that doubles as a maggot breeding area compost heap, and that water has to be hand-pumped from a well in the yard. But what these pessimists don’t realize is that many of these so-called "inconveniences" are actually advantages.

For example, sure, the floor might be made of dirt, but hey! No need to mop or vacuum! And yeah, no computers, but who needs the internet anyway, with all of your friends and family living so close? If you want to know what's going on in the world, just turn on the TV and tune in to one of the three government-sponsored news channels available.

Another advantage of village life is that you no longer have to spend all of your time in a sterile office reliving scenes from "The Office" and complaining about lack of lumbar support. In the village, you can connect with nature by spending your working hours gardening, or as they call it, "farming". Sure, this may occasionally involve some tiresome tasks such as planting seeds, fertilizing, spraying toxic chemicals, and weeding, but on the bright side, you'll get to work on your tan. And hey, if it rains, go ahead and take the day off, God’s treat!

Sounds pretty idyllic, no? And if that’s not enough, real estate is dirt cheap: for less than $5000 you can set yourself up in a sweet crib with all of the amenities I’ve mentioned here.

Who’s with me?

Birthday Fun

Today was my friend's birthday.

Like birthdays in the U.S., my friend's celebration included cake, candles, snacks, and beer.

Unlike birthdays in the U.S., it also involved a rousing variation on duck-duck-goose, as well as a mid-celebration shower break.

Since it is too hot to stay indoors, the celebration was held at the only outdoor party venue on campus: the track. We set up in the middle of the soccer field, spread out some newspapers to sit on, and got started. After singing the obligatory birthday song (in English for my benefit), and drinking the requisite birthday toast, we dug in.

The cake was actually better than the average Chinese birthday cake, meaning that I could just about make out a tiny bit of flavor (is that coconut?) above the sickly sweet taste of the mountainous frosting. It was kind of like having a mouthful of sugar-infused shaving cream.

Anyway, I was innocently enjoying my cake when it began: the frosting fight. (Like the song and the toast, this appears to be a mandatory part of every Chinese birthday party.) Despite my initial resolution to "sit this one out", within seconds I had a giant gob of frosting on my cheek and was sporting what appears to be a frosting hat. A war cry could be heard as I ran ahead wielding a plate of half-eaten cake.

As it turns out, no one was spared.

The war may have gone on indefinitely if it were not for the fact that we eventually ran out of cake. At some point we realized that we had nothing left to throw, and were stuck standing, breathless, in the middle of a large field, covered in yellow cake and white frosting. Moreover, the latter was attracting insects. Thus, the shower break. Well, if you consider a rusty faucet in the nearest public restroom to be a shower. Everyone's face, neck, arms, and hair got thoroughly rinsed, so I say it counts.

I know that now you're thinking "geez - what could be more fun than a frosting fight? the rest of this entry is going to be so boring!" But you are so wrong. The best is to come.

Duck-duck-goose? Yeah, we played. Not much to tell.

What could be more fun than duck-duck-goose and a frosting fight?

Why truth-or-dare of course!!

That's right, the source of so many stories and scandals has made it to the Far East.

Examples of Dares:

"Go up to that guy and tell him he's hot."
"Shout your name across the field."
"Pretend to hug guy-you-like-but-won't-admit-you-like."

Examples of Truths:

"Do you like guy-you-like-but-won't-admit-you-like?"
"If you had to marry one of the following guys in our class, which one would you choose?"

Hello middle school. Did you miss me?

Red Tape

While I have absolutely no data on this, I feel fairly confident making the claim that China has the largest and most unwieldy bureaucracy in the world. Over the course of the past week, I have come face-to-face with this bureaucracy in an innocent attempt to extend my visa.

[Warning: The only thing more time-consuming than reading about this experience was actually living through it.]

When I first went to the visa office last week, armed with a thick packet of official paperwork that I had triple-checked for accuracy, I was informed that I was missing one form: proof of residence. I was assured that this could easily be obtained from the local police station.

At the local police station, I was informed that only one employee knew how to issue me proof of residence, and that she was in a meeting. I was told to come back "later".

When I returned later that afternoon, the employee in question was indeed back in the office, deeply absorbed in her work, which seemed to involve texting someone on her cell phone and giggling to herself. Without looking up from her phone, she informed me that I needed a signed and sealed letter from my department stating my address before she could issue proof of residence.

This was Friday afternoon. Bright and early Monday morning, I appeared at the police station with the requisite letter, only to find that the multi-tasking employee had taken the day off. Because I am not a patient person, I asked another employee if she could please figure out some way to get me my proof of residence, because it had already been several days and my visa was about to expire. The subsequent phone call she made was the one in which it was discovered that I was an unregistered alien no better than a common criminal.

Two days later I returned, yet again, to the police station for sentencing. Unsurprisingly, they decided that I was to be fined. I won't say the exact amount, but I will say that it represents half of my monthly salary. And apparently ignorance isn't an acceptable excuse for lawlessness in China.

Anyway, you might think I could just pay up and get out of there, but you'd be wrong. They had to take a sworn statement from me, stating the case, and then confirming that I understood the charges against me and didn't deny them. This was handwritten by the officer in charge. Then, they had to make copies of my passport and visa. Because they don't have a copy machine, they actually made me go out into the street to find a copy place and pay for the necessary copies. Then they made me fill out a form with my basic information. Again, because they don't have a copier, I had to fill out multiple copies. These copies were then all thrown away and I had to start again from scratch because they accidentally gave me a blue ballpoint pen instead of a black gel pen.

Once the paperwork was all filled out, I had to sign everything. This involved my actual handwritten signature, as well as my fingerprint. They gave me a little red inkpad and I had to stamp my finger over every signature and date on all of the forms. Then I had to do it all over again because I only signed my first and last names - and not my middle name - which apparently can be very confusing for non-English speakers.

Just when I thought everything was finally finished, they decided that they needed further proof that I was who I said I was. So my professor from the university was called down to the station to verify my identity. She was also forced to sit around while the officer in charge handwrote yet another statement of the charges against me, which my professor then had to sign. While we waited around, I taught her how to play hangman:

All good things must come to an end, however, including my time at the police station. I was eventually given my proof of residence form, and forced to say goodbye to my new friends. I was heartened, however, by the knowledge that I would now have the opportunity to make more friends back at the visa office. Sadly, however, things there went fairly smoothly. The only minor hitch occured a couple of days later, when I went to pick up the completed visa. No one appeared to be manning the visa counter, and when I asked the manager, he sent upstairs to a back room where I had to actually rouse the necessary employee out of bed. But he obediently shuffled downstairs - rumpled hair and all - and quickly and efficiently retrieved my passport and visa.

That's China for you.

Independence Day

While the Fourth of July passed quietly here, with no local fanfare, today was still an independence day of sorts, as it marked the first official day of summer vacation. The last university exams were yesterday, so thousands of students celebrated today by sleeping past 6 am for the first time in recent memory, and by supporting local businesses with weeks of pent-up pocket money.

While I obviously had no exams, I too rejoiced over the end of finals, because it meant that my friends were finally free ("independent") to hang out with me again. A few of us celebrated by going out for barbecue, which was the most American thing I could think of doing. Of course, Chinese barbecue is quite different from the American variety:

Intestine, bone marrow, and pig's ears rarely appear on the menu at the typical Fourth of July picnic. The beer is the same though, and that's what matters eh?

I tried to encourage people to show their patriotic love for the U.S. by wearing red, white, and blue, but out of girlish modesty, my friends declined to wear red on the grounds that it is "too sexy".

Sexy indeed.

Miss you America! Happy Fourth of July!

Living on the Edge

So, it turns out I've kind of been in this country illegally. When I went to extend my visa, they noticed that I had neglected to register with the local police station after my visit home at Christmas. Which, yeah, was about six months ago. In my defense, no one even so much as hinted to me that this might be necessary. Indeed, a casual poll of the professors and administrators in my office has revealed mass ignorance of this apparently critical national law.

As I write this, a plump woman bureaucrat is sitting in her air conditioned glass office thinking up a suitable punishment for me. I'm looking forward to hearing the results of her musings. Will I get to experience the inside of a Chinese prison? Enjoy a few days of forced manual labor? Or, more likely, will they try to squeeze every last penny out of this poor American in the form of an unreasonably large fine?

In the spirit of my new status as an international criminal, last night I snuck into a scenic park after hours, by scaling a 15 foot high stone wall and scrambling over a tall, extremely rusty metal fence. (Not a chain link fence, by the way. That would be too easy. Hopping this fence required the assistance of a nearby pine tree and a leg up from my partner in crime.) We braved giant screaming crickets, feral cats, and low flying bats to hack our way to the top of the mountain, where we enjoyed Jinan's nightscape ("hey look! you can't see the pollution!") before quietly slipping out a side gate.

At least now I have some practice if it turns out I need to spend my remaining three months here on the lam.

Sweet Summer

With temperatures regularly breaking 100 degrees Fahrenheit, humidity close to 100 percent, and no outdoor swimming facilities, Jinan is the ideal place to spend a relaxing summer. To blend in with the locals, I have broken down and purchased an elegant parasol to keep my skin as pasty as ever.

Pretty, no?

Moreover, my years of complaining about the over-air conditioned Harvard buildings are officially over. Most campus spaces do not have air conditioning, but those that do keep the temperature at a cool 78. This is both to save money on electricity, and to protect our qi, because anyone who knows anything about traditional Chinese medicine will tell you that severe changes in temperature are bad for your blood.

I am lucky enough to have air conditioning in my room, which has made me quite popular among the Chinese students, who don’t have air conditioning. To beat the heat, they have developed certain innovative summertime habits. For example, at night they sleep on a mat of smooth bamboo. Not only does this keep them cool, but it eliminates the problem of sweaty sheets. Less laundry!

In addition, when in the dorms, both male and female students alike regularly walk around completely naked. (As a side note, this has answered once and for all the question of why Chinese dorms are gender segregated.) Indeed, this behavior is so common that one of my friends proposed that the following sign be posted on the entrance to her dorm: “Non-Nude Forbidden to Enter”.

I love summer, don’t you?